Colonel of Truth: An Unscientific Ranking of Every KFC Colonel, from Mild to Nashville Hot
Where would KFC be without the indelible image and persona of Colonel Sanders? His image printed on every takeout container is almost as integral to the brand as the eleven herbs and spices that make those juicy drumsticks so finger lickin’ good. As every Bucket Head knows, the Colonel was a real human frying genius, not just some soulless advertising logo. But since his passing in 1980, the brand has cast seventeen different actors to capture his spirit on screen. Some have succeeded brilliantly, and others . . . not as much. Below is a brief biography of the man behind the brand, followed by a ranking of all the other Colonels to date. (Disagree with how we stack them up? Let’s argue it out in the comments!)
Who Was Harland Sanders and What Is a Kentucky Colonel?
The original Colonel was born Harland Sanders, on September 9, 1890. Growing up in Henryville, Indiana, he became the man of the house at age six, when his father died and he began cooking, cleaning, and taking jobs to provide for his younger siblings. Those cooking skills he learned in childhood would make him the stuff of legend when he was in his forties and people began stopping by the small café he ran out of the back of a service station he operated in Kentucky to sample his delicious fried chicken and hot biscuits.
You probably already know that Colonel Sanders didn’t get his title in the military. Instead he was given the rank of Kentucky Colonel, an honorary title established by the first governor of the state and which all subsequent governors have been permitted to bestow upon those they deem worthy of such a distinction. In 1935 Governor Ruby Laffoon decided that Harland’s down-home cooking and service had earned him the honor.
Colonel Sanders went on to expand to more locations and franchise his business in the 1950s. In 1964 he sold the company, but he remained on the corporate board and continued to be the face of the brand, further cultivating his Southern gentlemanly style and appearing in print ads and TV commercials throughout the 1960s and ’70s.
The Rankings
There can only be one original Colonel, but since Harland left us in 1980, there have been seventeen (and counting) additional brave and daring souls who have strived to embody the man and the brand. We rank Harland Sanders as the number one Colonel, with his dapper suit, impeccable manners, and grandfatherly whimsy. How do the others rack up?
17. Hafþór Júlíus Björnsson: There’s no question that “The Mountain” is one of the most impressive athletes around. Casting him as Ser Gregor Clegane in Game of Thrones was an obvious choice. But he’s way too swole to sell it as a courtly Southern businessman who always sports a spotless suit. He also delivers only one line in his performance, because who could expect him to do a convincing drawl?
16. Jason Alexander: We stan Jason Alexander hard. He helped make Seinfeld a true timeless classic, and he’s so much more versatile than people give him credit for. That’s why it was both frustrating and perplexing to see the director of his turn as the Colonel take his phoned-in-but-decent stab and have him transform into George Costanza. Do they even eat KFC on the Upper West Side?
15.Billy Zane: It’s not clear what they were going for with this campaign, but what a waste of a great American thespian. He doesn’t even seem to be trying to channel the true Colonel—he has no accent to speak of and there’s nothing Colonel-esque (or even identifiably Billy Zane-y) in his bearing. Plus these spots are confusingly futuristic (or maybe some kind of ’80s throwback?) instead of harking back to the brand’s original heyday.
14. RoboCop: This one also doesn’t make a ton of sense, but the ads with RoboCop (voiced by the actor Peter Weller) fare slightly better than the above because they’re consciously campier and the futuristic theme is clearer and makes marginally more sense whatever is going on in the Billy Zane ads.
13. Vincent Kartheiser: Sorry, but rock ’n’ roll Colonel doesn’t really gel. It’s not really Vincent Kartheiser’s fault (don’t sleep on his underrated ’90s gem Crime and Punishment in Suburbia), but he doesn’t embody Colonel-essence in any real way. The Colonel may be a figure from a bygone era, but he doesn’t emblemize teen rebellion, nor is he so diametrically opposed to it as to render this one an absurdist romp.
12. Rob Riggle: Rob Riggle approaches this role as a weird hybrid Colonel/coach. It works with Riggle’s own military background (fun fact: he’s the only Colonel, including Harland himself, who is an actual Lt. Col. in US armed forces), but otherwise is not super memorable.
11. Christopher Boyer: This one makes us kind of sad, because man is Christopher Boyer a pro and a workhorse of a character actor, with dozens of credits to his name, but he’s not a very authentic Colonel in terms of looks or voice or mannerisms. BUT that’s the point of this campaign—the idea is he’s the “value” Colonel, cast on a budget—so he does succeed in the role.
10. Rob Lowe: In these ads, featuring the Zinger during it’s limited run in the USA, Rob Lowe weirdly did one spot with voiceover only and a totally passable accent, and another with no accent or discernible impression. But he captures some of the folksiness and charm of the original. Not exactly “retro,” but the space launch and dinner tray motifs and Lowe’s Kennedy good looks give this some midcentury cachet.
9. Norm Macdonald: The delivery here is very Norm Macdonald and not Colonel-specific, so if you love him (like we do), it’s funny, but if you’re a purist he doesn’t quite cut it. He’s very loose and natural, but his Harland Sanders is all in the costume. Anyway, if you’re looking for a time capsule of a more recent era, his “Hey, fellow university students” spot, spoofing memes spoofing 30 Rock, is so, so 2010s meta.
8.Darrell Hammond: Coming in close to the halfway mark, Darrell Hammond doesn’t earn higher marks because his accent is a little cloying, his Southern vibe is a little creepy, and he sounds stiff and a little off-key when singing. But apparently he was hurt to be a one-off Colonel because he really studied up for the role, and you can feel his effort.
7.Dolph Ziggler: The most unhinged Colonel, Dolph Ziggler, very much a showman, looks like he’s having the most fun. He really sells role but least looks the part. This one’s not for everyone, but it reminds us of an above-average college improv team’s version of a KFC ad, and we’re charmed.
6. Jim Gaffigan: With the best voice work so far, Jim Gaffigan captures spirit of the OG while adding own comic spin. His slight snark makes this take less folksy than the first Colonel and, again, the ads have a 2010s meta spin where he goes out of character. He feels like a Harlan Sanders for the early twenty-first century.
5. George Hamilton: Drifting in and out of Colonel-ness and his own persona, George Hamilton gives us a best-of-both-worlds performance. His vintage demeanor and the production design here make for great throwback. Billed as the “extra-crispy Colonel,” he displays his career-sustaining kitsch, which works so well with the role.
4. Sean Astin: It’s not surprising that the man who conjured Samwise and Rudy (channeled for this ad campaign) displays the perfect degree of aw-shucks down-hominess mixed with confidence we’re looking for. While he doesn’t quite nail voice and bearing, we’re rooting for him all the way. Do we think the Colonel was a football fan? Probably yes, and he certainly would’ve been down with wings.
3. Craig Fleming: Sprightly and fun-loving Craig Fleming has a sparkle in his eye and a spring in his step just like our man Harland. He feels like your uncle who’s equal parts goofy and proud of his life’s work, and just like in those ads from the seventies, you sort of want to groan, and you sort of want to give him a hug. It’s also nice that he’s a less-recognizable public figure who doesn’t bring a lot of his own baggage to the role.
2. Ray Liotta: He was such a master of his craft! A tiny hint of Ray Liotta’s persona peeks through, but mostly we get two sides of the Colonel: Harland our sweet brand ambassador and the rude, edgy “actor-as-Colonel” the ad agencies have been trying to foist on us. Liotta nails the hot/sweet dichotomy with such panache and intensity, it’s unfortunate he only did two spots.
1. Reba McEntire: That’s right, the best stand-in Colonel is also the only woman of the bunch. Reba is almost too glamorous and beautiful to want to really pull off a full-on drag king look, but her voice and spirit embody what we love about the Colonel to a T: warmth, Southern hospitality, and a balance of humility and pride in what she does best. Welcoming, inviting, and homey, Reba makes us want to hunker down with some classing tunes and Southern-fried cooking for the duration.
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